The irony of 50

Well it was bound to happen and it’s almost here. I sit before you (not literally) tapping away on my keyboard that has far too many cookie crumbs stuck in the little crevices between the keys, hoping to get across the irony of turning 50.

I’ve known for quite some time that my 50th birthday has been coming. In fact, I’ve know it my whole life, or probably since I was seven or eight or so. But back in my teens, 20s and 30s, I really didn’t give a crap about 50. I would even go out on a limb and say when I was in my late 20s; I didn’t even give a damn about 40. But today, it’s a different story.

It’s not that I actually FEEL old. Because I know I’m not old. And people tell me I don’t really look that old (or they’re just being nice), but in any case, it’s not really the concept of “five-oh” that’s bugging me. It’s what comes with 50 because of the media and marketing and address lists being sold or shared and all the BS that we’ve all come to understand about “middle age” or “senior citizens.”  So now I guess I’m one of them – WOW!

About six months ago I started getting monthly mailings for female hormone replacements because someone out there was certain that I started going through menopause at 49.5 and likely needed HRT (hormone replacement therapy.)
God forbid I should suffer from hot flashes, mood swings, a lower sex drive and
dry conditions in my hoo-hah. That would suck. The first time I opened the HRT flyer I was intrigued. “Hmmm, I wonder what cued this?” The second month when I got it, I opened the mail and I was pissed, “Why do they think I’m going through the change now?” Then the third time I was over it, “Those bitches at Premsyn better stop sending me this crap!”

Well they didn’t and I just choose to throw it away now. But about a month later I started receiving my invitation to join AARP. I stared at the envelope and couldn’t decide if I should tear it up, open it and fill it out  like an “old person,” or just light it on fire. I looked at my daughter and said, “What the hell? If AARP is the American Association of Retired People, why am I running around looking for a job right now? Riddle me this!” I’m not sure, but I think by the look on her face she secretly wished I was taking the Premsyn for the mood swings that came when I opened the mail.

Next I started receiving Junk email from the Health Fairy Godmother that I never knew existed. It was like Comissioner Roger Goodell’s hate mail from the NFL players on any given Sunday! The first day I got an email about hip replacements, the next day about my failing vision, the next day the Fairy Godmother wanted to help me with my hearing aid and then came the help she offered with lawsuits over my failed heart medicine. Had the world gone mad? And were people my age really in this bad of shape?

Here I was, now 49 3/4 and in the best shape of my life.  I’m a vegetarian, I don’t eat much fat because it makes me sick, I don’t smoke, I have low cholesterol and I work out at least three times a week.  Sure, I do drink a few too many martinis now and again, but does that make me OLD? I think not. The insanity of it all is that regardless of my health and vitals and what-not, I get blasted with emails that are loaded with answers on “How to put Humpty back together again.”   What’s up with that?

My favorite part  is the dating story. Last month I started receiving, “Meet Single Seniors” emails with links to their dating site. This one made me laugh. I actually
clicked on the link because it’s my business — literally. There was a picture of two very nice looking, attractive, gray haired “seniors” who appeared to be in their early 60s I would guess. “Nice couple,” I thought. EXIT. Smile…And then my mind started to spin.

I thought about opening the site back up and going to the “contact us” link to send them a nice little email. It would probably go something like this:

“Dear Single Seniors, Thank you for your email and heartfelt concern over my marital status and old age. I am deeply touched that you have taken the time to auto-generate a message cued by my upcoming 50th birthday – how very kind of you. I would like to know if your company is interested in cross-promotional marketing. I own an online dating site which is also for  the 50 year-old female demographic group. Unfortunately your “single senior” men will not be able to join. Our site actually frowns on the use of the term “senior,” unless it is the misspelling of one of our friends of Mexican decent, “Senor,” which happens quite often, believe it or not.
If you are interested in advertising opportunities, please contact someone
else. I am sorry to report that our site is focused more on cougars, kittens
and cubs than it is on your silver foxes. Thank you for your time and I hope
this note finds you well — with two good hips, 20/20 vision, an above-average
sex drive and nicely lubricated genitals when the urge (or blue pill) hits you.”

Best Regards – Miss Cougar

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