Miss California equals Miss Runner-up

Did you happen to catch the Miss USA pageant Sunday night — (check out the 50 lovlies slide show.)  I missed it because I was trapped in internet hell while my wireless signal kept dropping me as I tried to beat the clock to post a “happy hour” article before a deadline.  Let’s just say it wasn’t a very happy hour. 

Meanwhile, for background noise, somehow our channel surfing stopped on Samuel L. Jackson’s classic “Snakes on a Plane.”  I have just one question – what kind of drugs was the freak on who wrote that screenplay?  What in the psychotic cobras!  If you haven’t seen it, I can sum up the whole movie in three sentences.  Someone wants to kill a certain passenger so he packs a box full of poisonous snakes and a bomb into the cargo hold on a 747.  The bomb goes off mid-flight, which releasing the snakes throughout the entire jet as they attempt to terrorize and kill all the passengers (including Kenan from Kenan & Kel.)   The worst snake murder is the couple who “gets it” while “doing it” in the lavoratory, naked.   Sucks, huh?  (Their death and the movie.)  Anyway, for this — I missed Miss USA.

As a result, I was doubly disturbed that I missed the big brew-ha-ha over Miss California’s answer to her “big question,” not to mention the bathing suits, evening gowns and all the hype and

Stalked By Twitter

I am officially being stalked by Twitter.  It’s true.  Recently when I made a life-changing decision to “come out” and put my writing out there for people other than my family to read, I became enlightened.  Some of this enlightenment was by choice and some of it was like being duct taped to a seat in a movie theatre and then forced to watch the Star Wars Trilogy for 36 hours straight.

In the beginning, somewhere around “Hollywood week” of American Idol’s Season 8, I barely knew

How To Be a Good Wedding Guest

Spring is in the air and wedding season is just around the corner.  How do I know this?  Because we’re coming up on my daughter’s third wedding anniversary.  In fact, two of my girls strolled down the aisle over the last three years – well, one of them almost ran, but then again she was a sprinter on the track team in high school, so it’s understandable.

Daughter #1 had a lovely April ceremony in an outdoor setting.  The birds were chirping and butterflies were flitting about.  (This is real.)  It was just warm enough to cause that nice sweat ring under your pits – the kind that makes you feel like a man-woman just when you least want, or need to anyway.  Ironically

What Happens to the Female Body – 20s, 30s, 40s

 

 

 

 

 

Some time ago I read an article about what happens to a woman’s body during her 20s, 30s, 40s and beyond.  I can’t recall if it the article was in a fitness magazine or a vanity magazine, but by the time I finished reading it – it was in the trash.  This was not a simple one page brief description of the changes that take place over the decades, but it was a full six page layout of what changes take place, in what seemed like a day by day review.  It almost seemed as if the writer was an announcer at a horse race,

Dear Abby – What About Bob, The Nocturnal Wife Beater?

 Man Punches Wife During Sleep – Claims Nocturnal Amnesia!

I can remember the first time I read “Dear Abby,” – I think I was 12 years old and thought it was cool that a woman in the newspaper had the answers to everyone’s problems.  I never felt like I had anyone to go to with my problems and fantasized about writing to Abby for help on what to do about being jealous of my perfect older sister – mainly because she was perfect, and of course, she was mom’s favorite.  (It kind of sucked.)  But somehow I managed to get through my inferiority complex (10 years later) – I moved out of state, and got on with my life without Abby’s help – amazing!

Now my problem today is not that Dear old Abby gives out advice – it’s the advice that she sometimes gives.  Take this “Abby” letter I came across today, for instance.  It’s from a woman named, “All About Bob in Alabama,” who claims her husband beat her in her sleep three years ago.  Now “Bob,”

Mother of the Year – Caught Breastfeeding While Driving!!

So we’ve all seen crazy stuff while driving, right?  I know I have.  Once I pulled up to an intersection next to what appeared to be a “normal” 60 year-old grandpa-type in an old Ford pick-up truck.  G-paw looked happy – I mean, he was smiling and all.  His windows were down (so were mine) – it was a nice April day in the desert.  I glanced to my left and then back to G-paw because you don’t want to lock your look too long on someone at a light – it just gets weird, you know what I mean?  Imagine my surprise when

Miss? International Body Builder – Buff Not Puff!

 

Wow!  I’m actually speechless — and that doesn’t happen often!  Well, I was when I first saw this picture anyway.  At first I thought it was one of those posters that you walk up to and stick your head on top of to take a picture — like the ones at an old western town.  And then

Engagement Ring Drops from Bridge During Proposal!

Okay — so  some boys are adorably romantic  — and then they are dumb — REALLY, REALLY DUMB!!  And then somehow, by the grace of God, they recover and look somewhat heroic!  This guy? Well … You decide!http://www.nbcnewyork.com/news/local/Oops-Fiancee-Drops-Engagement-Ring-Off-Brooklyn-Bridge.html

Is your Friend Really Cybil?

HAVE YOU EVER SUSPECTED YOUR FRIEND WAS A PSYCHO?  READ ON…..

Have you ever been friends with someone for a long (or short) time and you’re feel really, really connected – in fact, you’ve even moved into the, “girlfriends, ‘besties,’ BFFs,” world — and then one day you call her to see what time you’re supposed to meet at Starbucks and, BAM — you feel like a “she-devil” answered the phone vs. your friend?  Suddenly she goes off on you like a white tiger in a Siegfried and Roy show!  Ladies when this happens

Boys are Dumb – Girls are … (Not Dumber)

When you’re a girl you can always count on one thing — giving other people advice.  I don’t know why, but it appears that people seem to go to guys for advice less often than they go to girls.  Why is that?  I’ve given it some thought and come up with the following possibilities.  There is a common understanding that either a) guys don’t know anything, b) guys don’t give a crap if you have a problem so probably won’t listen, c) guys only pretend to listen if you’ll have a drink with them, or d) guys have figured out that if they stop to listen to everyone else’s problems they won’t have time to solve their own.

 

I have to admit, in my 20’s I would have thought