What happens when you eat expired food?

Good question, isn’t it? Earlier this week I got into this discussion with a few friends and it was interesting hearing how different everyone’s interpretation of “expired” really is.

I, for one, was more than a little freaked out that some people don’t believe food expires – AT ALL!  That’s just not right.  I mean, milk, now … come on?!  This is a dairy liquid that comes from a cow (which is warm when it comes out, I’ll grant you that), but I am still confused about the whole “homogenization” process and how the chilling afterward then creates a timeline whereby the milk becomes future cottage cheese.  It just baffles me.  But back to the subject at hand, which is expired milk and the answer is very clear,

Do you know a crazy pet person?

There are people who love their animals, and people who are crazy about their animals, and then people who just seem to tolerate cohabitating with their animals.  I happen to fall into the third category.  I never really meant for it to be this way, but it just kind of evolved into this kind of relationship.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not an animal hater, and I’m not inhumane to my doggies, but I’m just not that crazy about them anymore, and I’m pretty sure the feelings are mutual.

The funny thing is I’m the one who picked out my dogs, convinced the family we needed dogs, and even begged my husband at the time we got our 2^nd dog that we couldn’t live without her.  So looking back, it seems I’ve either had an animal attitude shift, or after 9-11 years of vacuuming up yellow and black lab fur from my floors, I’m just kind of over it. 

I think the shift started to take place around their 3^rd and 5th years (they’re 2 years apart.)  This is around the time that the family stopped paying attention to Jet and Poombah.  (Yes, I know I spelled Poombah wrong, as the kids informed me after I had her bone-shaped ID tag engraved that there is no “h” at the end of her name.)  By then it was too late though, because she’d already been registered with the humane society and had a file with her name on it at Dr. Nowicki’s office where she tried to attack a Calico cat that was sitting on the counter at our last visit.

Nevertheless, when the family dropped out of pet care, I became the go-to-girl, and had to feed, water, and pick up their doo on a regular basis.  Without me, Jet and Poombah would have nothing.  Once, I was gone

What happens when paranoid kids grow up?

Some people are just naturally paranoid.  I gave birth to one of them.  At the age of eight she came to me crying one day, afraid that our house was going to burn down.  To this day she blames me for allowing her to watch a movie about firefighters who saved a dog from a fire or some such thing.  What she doesn’t get is that her sisters watched the movie too but they weren’t paranoid that the house was going to burn to the ground when they went to bed every night. 

It got so bad that I had to take her to the family counselor.  How many moms can actually say they have a “family counselor?”  I actually had one on stand by as I raised my pack of kids because there was always something going on.  There was fear of fire and the Energizer theft, then lying about being sick to avoid playing with friends and the six hour crying jags because someone had to read books that were far below their reading level (I don’t make this stuff up.) 

Let Them Eat Dots

Mother’s Day Series – Mother’ Day Weekend

Some parents are all about control – controlling what kids wear, what they watch and what they eat. I have learned from experience that some amount of control is a good thing, after all, you might not want your 13 year-old daughter wearing a spiked dog collar, watching the adult Showtime feature film and eating nothing but mustard day and night so she can lose 10 pounds in one week. It is for this reason that parental control is necessary. My theory is that too much parental control can backfire and I have living proof of this.

I’ve always had sort of a loose idea of my kids’ food intake … and output. (Output only becomes important if you end up with a constipated three-year old who’s afraid to let go of his poopy because it’s a part of his body.)

Understanding Your Child

Mother’s Day Series – Friday

It doesn’t take long to begin to decipher what your baby’s cries mean. Lamb-like quivering cries mean, “I’m hungry.” Sudden red-faced squawking means, “My diaper’s wet.” Relentless screaming with tight fists means, “I have colic cramps.” Thankfully, as babies grow, it becomes much easier to understand the messages. Cries are replaced by noises, sounds, reaching for objects and food, and then eventually — verbal communication.

I think God planned it this way because parents wouldn’t be able to take it if crying were the only form of communication for years on end. We would go crazy and eventually pack up and leave our children with no forwarding address. As babies grow

From the Trenches of Parenthood – An Amusing View

Mother’s Day Series – Thursday

It’s hard to believe, but I once had trouble getting pregnant (even though I went on to have four babies.) But thanks to a dirty-haired OB/GYN doc and a special drug called Clomid, my infertility lasted only a few months. Exactly one year after I swallowed my first Clomid pill, I gave birth to a sweet baby girl.

I left the hospital with a baby, a car seat and one very sore va-jay-jay. I knew very little about parenting and

Embarrassing moment – breastmilk mixed with neighbor’s lunch

Mother’s Day Series – Wednesday

If you decide to return to work while still nursing your new baby, make sure you mark your breast milk cooler very clearly. You should choose specific language such as, “BREAST MILK,” or “PRIVATE STOCK,” just to be sure. Whatever language you choose, it should be specific and something that keeps curious office-mates out – considering

If you are breast feeding – never underestimate the power of frozen peas

Mother’s Day Series – Tuesday

Whether you’ve decided to nurse your baby or not, you should not leave the hospital without someone telling you the secret of frozen peas and corn, and chopped cabbage. No, these are not the ingredients of a dinner salad, but they are the soon-to-be-inhabitants of your nursing bra.

After you’ve given birth when your milk “comes in,” you will know it. Your breasts will grow to feel like cantaloupes picked a month before they’re ripe. They will be hard and painful

Pregnant woman’s bad day – chased by bear then hit by car

Some days you’re just not meant to die, I guess.  For one Colorado Springs woman, yesterday was not her day – literally … nor was it her day to die. 

What started out as a simple day on a jogging path quickly turned into being stalked by a bear.  Apparently the bear saw her and picked up the pace as she did.  She went from a fast walk to a jog – then the bear went to a full-on sprint, only he had four paws compared to her two legs.  Well this woman was smart enough to know she was being out-foxed by a bear so she headed for the highway.

Unfortunately as she bolted into traffic she must have been distracted by the fast-approaching fuzzy-ass brown bear behind her so she didn’t notice the on-coming cars.  That’s when she was hit from behind by a 70-year old unidentified driver (you guessed it – hit and run) who, rather than stopping, rolled down her window and yelled out, “I slooooowwwed down!”  Now  I don’t know about you, but when I’m 5 months pregnant, being chased by a bear, and hit by a blind 70 year-old driver, THAT’S exactly what I want – is for someone to yell out that she slowed down vs. stop and open her door to save me from the sprinting bear!

In the end, the jogging pregnant woman got away from the bear, the bear was killed by the authorities, the pregnant woman did not deliver her baby prematurely, and the police are still looking for the runaway 70 year-old driver who left the scene of the accident.

The odd twist to the story is where the victim (a.k.a. almost bear lunch and road-kill pregnant woman) and her husband went to find the dead bear to make peace with it because they felt sorry for it.  The authorities put it down because it showed no fear of humans and this, supposedly is dangerous.  Isn’t it supposed to be the other way around?  You know – when people show no fear of bears – now that is dangerous – right?  But after making peace with the bear, the couple has decided they will indeed name their child after the fuzzy guy, and their baby’s middle name will be – you guessed it – not Smokey, but – Bear.  I’m wondering if “Bear” will have a beautiful brown bearskin rug under his crib in his room too?  Would that be a little much?

 

Who are the better listeners – men or women?

Hey you – yeah, you!  I’m talking to you! What’s up with men and women who can’t hear each other when they talk?  Last year I read the findings of a study that summarized:  As men age they lose the ability to hear sounds at higher tones, and as women age they lose the ability to hear sounds at lower tones.  And By “sounds” I can only assume the study was referring to